Oct 17, 20234 min
Do you know what you need?
Some needs are transitory. For example, after an intense period of labour or busyness, we may need rest.
Some needs are more enduring, and are necessary in the same way that it is necessary that houses built on soft ground have deep piles driven into the soil beneath them; if we don't have them, then subsistence is likely difficult.
The tricky thing about needs, is that we cannot meet all of them for ourselves, all of the time.
Some of us sure try (hello fiercely independent ones), and some of us realise that it's a little more complex than that and that it's important we instead work on cultivating something that looks more like interdependence.
If you look at those relationships in your life that you consider the strongest and the most valued by you, do you notice that you and the other(s) meet certain needs for each other? Could you identify them?
One of the reasons that many of us struggle in certain areas of life is because we do not properly identify and act according to our needs. Additionally, we might encounter that advocating for our needs without considering those of others, which may be different to our own, also results in complications.
There are many possible reasons driving these dynamics, but instead of trying to identify all those reasons, let's consider what (life-)affirmative actions might be available in the direction of getting more needs met - both your own, and those of others.
In a moment I'll share a laundry list of needs. The invitation for you is this:
Identify your top two needs, either met or unmet, and ask yourself the following three questions in relation thereto.
1) On average, is this need sufficiently met?
2) Is it possible for me to meet this need without someone else?
3) What action or commitment is available to me today to either have this need met or ensure it continues being met moving forward?
Allow your instincts to guide you as you run your eyes down the list, and avoid over-thinking. If something stands out, it is probably relevant for you to consider at this moment.
Needs based in ACCEPTANCE
Acknowledgement
Appreciation
Gratitude
Reassurance
Representation
Self-acceptance
Self-respect
Support
To be heard
To be known
To be seen
To matter
Needs based in AWARENESS
Clarity
Consciousness
Discovery
Focus
Learning
Perspective
To know
To see
Understanding
Needs based in AUTONOMY
Authenticity
Choice
Dignity
Freedom
Identity
Independence
Learning
Liberation
Perspective
To know
To see
Understanding
Needs based in CARE
Affection
Closeness
Compassion
Consideration
Empathy
Intimacy
Love
Mutuality
Nurturing
Reciprocity
Self-care
Needs based in CONNECTION
Belonging
Inclusion
Collaboration
Cooperation
Communication
Community
Companionship
Friendship
Interdependence
Participation
Partnership
Presence
Self-connection
Shared reality
Synergy
Trust
Needs based in MEANING
Challenge
Communion
Competence
Contribution
Creativity
Depth
Diversity
Efficiency
Effectiveness
Engagement
Flow
Growth
Honesty
Inspiration
Integration
Integrity
Mourning
Progress
Purpose
Respect
Needs based in PEACE
Balance
Beauty
Consistency
Ease
Equanimity
Faith
Harmony
Hope
Order
Peace of mind
Stability
Needs based in PLAY
Adventure
Aliveness
Celebration
Excitement
Fun
Humour
Joy
Relaxation
Stimulation
Needs based in PHYSICAL WELL-BEING
Breath
Comfort
Exercise
Health
Hydration
Movement
Nutrition
Rest
Safety
Sexual expression
Shelter
Touch
Warmth
All humans have the same basic needs, though they may differ in importance. That makes developing your awareness over what needs are and how to meet them a very unifying skill set.
Interpretations, criticisms, diagnoses, and judgments of others are generally alienated expressions of our own unmet needs. As alluded to above, attempting to meet our own needs at the expense of others is at the heart of many conflicts. A sense of genuine emotional liberation involves stating clearly what we need in a way that communicates we are equally concerned that the needs of the others be fulfilled.
One of the most thoughtful things you can do...
Identifying and meeting needs in others is one of the most thoughtful and meaningful things you can do for them.
I saw a post on LinkedIn recently where a woman, who is mother and business owner, was reflecting on the fact that she has no recollection of the last time in her life where she got to wake up and do nothing, rather than thinking about all of the people she needed to care for and attend to and the jobs she had to sort out. A gentleman in the comments said something along the lines of "Oh my wife says the same thing quite often."
*Ding ding ding!* ...maybe I'm wrong, but I reckon that's a woman he could make pretty darn happy by surprising her with a morning of not having to think about everyone else and taking care of things for her. What need to you think that could meet (hint: it could be quite a few listed above)?
Not sure if you would be meeting a need for someone by taking a certain action? You can always ask them...!
"Honey, I noticed that life seems pretty full for you at the moment. How would it feel if you took a sleep in tomorrow and I sort the kids' school lunches and drop them off?"
As always, it's pretty difficult to pour from an empty cup. So I do suggest you start with you, and visit the exercise set out above first.
And even if you are already pretty good at having your needs met, perhaps this reflection will help you to have greater presence when doing so, and hence reinforce a sense of gratitude for the small (but important) things.
As I mentioned in last week's newsletter, two of the key drivers for our mental well-being are agency and gratitude (in their verb forms), and I think this exploration does a pretty decent job of supporting both.
I'd love to hear from you on what you discover by engaging in this. Feel welcome to reply (...needs for connection... to be seen, to be heard?).
Thank you for showing up.
Keep showing up.
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