WW #027: An end to independence

Wanna know what’s hard?


Letting people in and having to take the risk on whether or not they will hurt you. Or worse still, judge you.


Want to know what’s harder?


Living your entire life as the lone wolf, looking out in the world wondering how it could possibly be that others engage in relationships so effortlessly.


I could tell some tall tales about my experiences in both camps, but what I really want you to understand is that most people in camp two think they are in camp one. They often conclude the pain they feel is because they’re just not that likeable.


This conclusion often leads to high performance. And I’m not talking about the A+ or 5-star kind. I am talking about deciding that you need to be something that you’re not, so that people accept you. Putting on a performance. Sometimes called a “mask”.


That mask often looks like fierce independence.


And it’s bloody lonely under there.


What I love about coaching amazing humans in my practice is that we get to start gently challenging the concepts they hold about themselves as they explore what’s in between them and the life they are yearning for.


Often part of that yearning, whether one might admit it or not, is feeling closer to others. Deeper connection. And with that, a greater sense of fulfilment.


This lone wolf approach to life that is counter to that shows up so frequently. But generally, not at first…


Session one often sounds like: “Yes, I have loads of support. I have great relationships.”


Session two or three might turn up a statement like: “No, my [significant other] has no idea about the stress I have been holding. I thought they’d be put off by me if they knew how I really felt.”


And so with that admission, the deeper work of relating from a more authentic place can begin.


First inside the coaching container, and then in the “real world”.


This might sound rather foreign, so to bring it back to you, I ask you:


What could become available to you if you were to cast aside any old ideas you had about believing you need to be a certain way and hold the weight of the world on your shoulders, unassisted?


Consider how your relationships could deepen.


Consider how you could recover lost energy - both in getting things done and thinking about the way you should do things (...I’m tired just typing that!).


Consider how much more of you is available to receive love when you let others see more of you - the real you.


What else?


And now, what are those ideas about yourself would you need to cast aside to allow for those things?


This is brave work. It's work that requires bucketloads of compassion.


It’s also freedom work.


If you’re feeling curious, inspired, or perhaps even a little anxious reading this newsletter, then it may be beneficial for us to have a conversation.


I have one place available to fill in my coaching books before the end of 2022, with a couple of new spaces opening in January 2023. If you are wondering what it might look like if one of those was yours, contact me and tell me a little bit about your motivations for starting a deeper exploration of you. And please do add any questions or concerns you have, too. All of you is welcome.


If you’re not actively looking for support right now, I’d also love to hear from you about what you recognise here, and what you believe could be available when you shift from fierce independence to courageous, trusting interdependence.


I read and adore all of your responses!


Wishing you peace, power and possibility,


TL;DR - So many of us play out the lone wolf archetype, without realising how much richness we're missing out on. It can feel risky to cast this way of being aside. It can be a challenging process... but so worth it. Let's move from independence to interdependence. You don't have to do it alone.


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How can I help?


  1. (And how can you help me...?) In preparation for some exciting projects coming up for 2023, I am currently looking to interview business owners and founders to better understand the personal development challenges they face. In return for these insights, I'll offer some laser coaching on any topic. Is that you? Let me know via this form and we'll set up a time.

  2. Are you looking for personal support as you go through a life transition, plan for something new, or decide once and for all to change the relationship you have with yourself? Apply for a 1:1 Power Hour session with me where we can explore the possibilities of working together. This is brave work. Freedom awaits.

  3. Are we connected on LinkedIn? I share regular content there and open some really interesting conversations with my community. Will you join us?